(Originally posted at BABble.)
Part of being strong is knowing when to yield.
When Ben and i first started dating, i was very much in denial about my pain. Or rather, i knew i was in pain, but refused to let anyone help me. I was damned determined to do everything for myself – even when it caused more pain. I had Something To Prove. Usually, the end result was more pain. It was a pretty narsty cycle.
I had to develop code-words. I know this sounds silly, but i never claimed to be serious. Heh. Anyway, i would be sitting somewhere and not looking forward to the idea of getting up, even if i was really thirsty. The first few times, i would have to sit, swallow a few times (pride doesn’t go down so easy) and eventually say, “Sweetie? can you get me some water?… i’m… feeling, uh, <em>lazy</em>.”
And he’d look at me and know what i really meant. He didn’t mind the blatant lie because it was it was better than me being stubborn and hurting myself.
Asking for help can be one of the hardest things to do – especially for someone with chronic pain issues. A lot of the time, we already feel like we’re somehow less a person – pain is a very isolating thing. So there’s this need to prove to _____ (the world, our friends/family, our significant other, ourselves) that we ARE capable of Doing It Ourselves, Damnit.
Even when we’re not.
And you know what? It’s okay to not be capable at times. Part of being strong is accepting yourself in moments of weakness – be they physical, mental or emotional. <strong>Health is not a moral issue.</strong>
I am incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful husband who cares, understands, and is more than willing to get me a glass of water when i don’t have it in me to do it myself. I recognize that not everyone is as lucky.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. I cannot stress this enough. Asking for help is not a failure on your part.
A few years ago, when my husband and i moved into this house, his mom, dad and brother came down to help us get organized, clean, unpack, all that good stuff. Any excuse for a visit with the fam is good times, because they are very neat people. His brother has some chronic knee problems (which have gotten better after he found a doc who didn’t suck, yay!), and our driveway from hell was murder on his knees.
So after we were sitting and Bro had his legs up, i turned to him and said, “When you’re feeling poorly, do you want me to leave you alone? pretend nothing’s wrong? Do you want me to ask you if you need anything, or just assume that you’ll ask for it if you need it?” He stopped and stared at me, and after a minute he said, “Thank you. No one’s ever asked me that before.”
It’s okay to reach out for help, and it’s also okay to ask if someone else needs it, too. If you know someone with chronic pain issues, don’t assume anything: ask them how they want to be treated. Recognizing that we/they have a <em>choice</em> in the matter is a wonderful thing, and fosters communication.